two certainties in life: death and taxes

i got this from tom's blog. tom got it from gregory. share and share alike, right? i especially appreciated rule number six. enjoy!

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*

Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a package, because you're sure
not picking anything up.

Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.

Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come
off during the course of you date with my daughter, I
will take my electric nail gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in today's
world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of
some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order for
us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I
need from you on this subject is: "

Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight~: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.